TWO: He's coming... Mrs. White said she saw him pulling out of the Arby's parking lot... I knew he'd come, I knew he'd find us (hits his fist into his palm. Picks up telephone) Hello? ... Yes. (Hangs up) Mr. Green says he saw him pulling out of the Burger King drivethrough. I knew he'd come (Paces. Picks up letter. reads out loud) "To whom it may concern, He's coming your way. I saw him in his Ford Granada pulling out of the Newport Creamery. Love Ms. Brown" He's coming. I knew he'd come. (note that TWO is distressed rather than pleased by this news. Paces. Takes note from knife) "He's coming. Last I heard he wanted to beat you up. I saw him waiting in line down at the Dunkin Donuts. Watch your back. Mr. Black." He is coming.
(etc. etc. until...)
TWO (Looking out window): He's here! (ONE and TWO bolt offstage. A GIANT DONUT barrels onto the stage, brandishing a club, he poses menacingly for one dramatically lit moment, then CURTAIN)
Props:
Mr. Trim Slacks is a man with nice slacks and a white bodysuit (to accentuate his slacks). He is waiting for his friend BARRY. Now, Mr. Trim Slacks' pair of slacks (or shirt) is clearly marked on the side, in glittery letters "MR. TRIM SLACKS." Barry is supposed to meet T.S. at a cafe but he is late. T.S. has to wait, giving the audience a good chance to get to see his slacks and the lettering. T.S. might be whistling something ridiculous, or there might be music playing. More likely (knowing him) he is removing lint from his slacks with a lint remover.
Barry finally shows up and the two sit down at a table for some coffee. Mr. T.S. immediately gets annoyed at Barry when he asks him whether he returned his lint remover (he forgot). Luckily (says T.S.) he bought another one. T.S. sits down and then stands up quickly, annoyed, and announces that he has sat in something "moist." He shows the audience a big brown wet spot on the back of his slacks. He should whine etc. and waitress should come over. Anyway, he cleans the chair off and sits back down.
The two continue conversing but almost immediately, Barry spills a cup of coffee on T.S's slacks. He bolts up again whining: "MY SLACKS!" On getting up, he bumps into the passing waitress who spills soup or coffee or food on his pants.
They begin to clean the mess up when who should enter but Mr Fancy Pants. He has VERY flaming fancy pants (also labelled)! T.S. shouts "YOU!" and points an accussing finger. Mr. Fancy Pants seems surprised but mutually angry. The two have some mysterious bitter feud happening between them - they square off, grab each other, wrestle for a bit until they hit a table and more coffee or something spills on both their pants. T.S: MY SLACKS!
F.P: MY PANTS!
T.S: (angry) : No one asked you to come here, why don't you just leave?!
F.P: I will! etc. He starts to leave when...
Ms. Smarty pants enters. S.P.: Nice slacks, big boy! (She begins ridiculing mr trim slacks.)
He says "I thought I told you never to come back here!!" They wrestle & mr fancy pants joins in... all three end up with pizza on their pants...
All: Gross!
(Lights out) END
Production Note: HAVE FUN WITH THIS
bah boh bah cah coh cah dah doh dah fah foh fah gah goh gah hah hoh hah jah joh jah kah koh kah lah loh lah mah moh mah nah noh nah pah poh pah rah roh rah sah soh sah tah toh tah vah voh vah wah woh wah xah xoh xah yah yoh yah zah zoh zah
Narrator:
It
It is
It is the
It was the first
It is the first Tuesday
It was the first Tuesday of the
It was the first Tuesday of the Apocageep.
Early
Early when
Early, when the halfwit
Early, when the halfwit found the basket
Early, when the halfwit found the river by the
Early, when the halfwit found the basket by the river
Early, when the halfwit found the baby in the basket by the river.
And
And the
And the gold
And the golden
And the golden donut.
* The golden donut rolls to the crossroads where it is found by famous bluesman Kingfish Lear (Keith Munslow) who proceeds to tell us his life story. In the distance, we hear noises from the Forest of Crazy People. Far in the distance, we see Takasiki (Jon Lax) - a denizen of the forest - preparing his dinner.
* OVERTURE REPRISE. Her Son appears to the Halfwit as if in a dream. Perhaps he is accompanied by another dream-like person, perhaps not.
* The Zen Psychotic (Manny Pombo) is making egg sandwiches. Perhaps they are for himself or perhaps they are for the local militia forming to protect the golden donut from roving bands of renegade soldiers. His friend is a Man who Loves His Money (Scott Lapham).
Narrator:
It
It wasn't
It wasn't the second
It wasn't the second Tuesday of the Apocageep
It was the second
It was the second Wednesday
of the
of the Apocageep.
It was the second Wednesday of the Apocageep when the Halfwit accidentially visited the Oracle and
and discovered
and discovered the trick
and was revealed the trick
and was revealed the trick to the secret
and was accidentially revealed the trick to the secret of
of the
of the gold
of the golden
of the golden donut.
* Fireman Bob destroys the egg sandwiches (he burns them) intended for the local militia. Mimi (Jenny Killenberg) finds the golden donut in the trash and brings it home with her.
* Song of the Renegade Soldier (Jeremy Woodward)
* A low frequency Storm (played by Rick Massimo) rolls in, catching Mimi and the Halfwit on their way home. They return to the Man Who Constantly Adjusts His TV (Russell Kellogg) who is adjusting his TV. Mimi, who apparently has taken a bite from the golden donut, collapses and soon after dies in bed. The Storm continues for several minutes.
* A sweet melody appears out of the storm-it is the Kiwi Boy song (Kate Lohman). OVERTURE REPRISE: HerSon appears a second time. The halfwit is holding the baby, now revealed to be Kiwi Boy. Fireman Bob destroys the golden donut by burning it.
(Kiwi Boy Song)
END
ONE tips his Ovaltine over into his lap.
TWO (after a pause): What'd you do that for?
ONE (pause): Because I'm wearing Spongepants.
THREE deliberately tips his Ovaltine over into his lap.
TWO (pause): What'd you do that for?
THREE (pause): Because I'm wearing Spongepants.
TWO (thoughtful pause): Well I don't have any Spongepants.
(TWO takes Yellow Pages, looks up Spongepants.)
TWO (on phone): Hello? How can I get Spongepants? ... You'll send some? How much? ... $20 ... OK ... (ONE and THREE are meanwhile spilling more Ovaltine on their Spongepants) (A box of Spongepants slides across stage before phone is put down.)
TWO: Oh boy! (opens box of Spongepants) Wait! These aren't Spongepants! These are Breadpants! (though disappointed, he puts them on and sits back down)
ONE nudges THREE and both begin snickering at TWOs Breadpants.
TWO: What?
ONE: What's that you're wearing?
TWO: (embarassed pause): Breadpants!
(louder snickers from ONE and THREE)
TWO: You know there are places where Breadpants are MUCH more fashionable than Spongepants! (more snickers) Fine! I'll go where I'm wanted! (Stalks off to hidden area of stage where Breadpants are more fashionable than Spongepants)
(ONE and THREE continue eating/spilling Ovaltine)
ONE: Do you know how to make oatmeal?
THREE: No. He was the only one who made the oatmeal.
ONE: Yeah. (Looks down into oatmeal) I guess we should try to find him...get him to come back to make our oatmeal...
(ONE and THREE get up and lumber over to the secret spot where Breadpants are more fashionable then Spongepants. They uncover the secret spot so that it is in plain view. TWO is huddled up with many rubber ducklings.)
TWO (sulking): what?
ONE: You have to make the oatmeal.
TWO: No! Go away! I'm happy here! You go away! You go pour Ovaltine on your Spongepants, I don't care. I've had it with that place, I'm starting a new life! Go away!
ONE: You have to make the oatmeal. (ONE and THREE drag TWO from the spot. TWO is clutching at the duckies)
TWO: No! I want to be where I'm appreciated! I can be king of the duckies! These Breadpants were the best thing that ever happened to me! I want to be king of the duckies! Leave me ALONE! No! No!
(TWO is dragged offstage amidst more protests)
CURTAIN